WASHINGTON -- The US Justice Department announced last week that ten Oklahoma City bombing survivors and relatives have been chosen by lottery to witness the May 16th execution of convicted bomber Timothy McVeigh. The winning numbers were 7 22 18 4 and the MEGA number 8. Said one grief-stricken relative selected: "This is incredible. I've never won anything before in my whole life. Not even a toaster. I can't wait to tell my kids about...Oh, wait. My children. They're all dead. Sweet Jesus. Oh, but I think they're going to be serving snacks, too, which is nice."

In a recent surprise move by the Justice Department it was decided that all lottery winners would go on to a second round of play just before the execution and that the winner of that round would be allowed to actually fill the lethal injection syringe. The winner will be determined by taking three turns of the Big Spin.

In order to prevent the execution from becoming sensationalized, only those ten will be permitted to witness the execution live; the others will view it on closed-circuit television. However, all of those present will have the same opportunity to purchase I survived the McVeigh Execution of 2001 T-shirts, novelty items including a gag syringe, and an inflatable Timothy McVeigh doll (the box of which reads: "Now you can blow him up!"), and a Timothy McVeigh commemorative non-spill beverage mug.

Additionally, the broadcast will be closed-captioned for the hearing impaired and will be broadcast in Dolby Surround, though McVeigh is not expected to say anything more than "Ooomf. Urmp. Ooogah. Oorrrgle. Graaaaaaaaaaaa."

When asked to comment on his rejection of the Pope John Paul's request for clemency in the McVeigh case, Vice President Dick Cheney replied, "Pope, schmope. I've got my ticket right here. Lucky seven, baby!"