VENUS -- X!ooLoichhN9, a female model from the Ovda Regio Basin region of the planet Venus, has filed a class action lawsuit against last Friday's 50th Annual Miss Universe Competition, claiming the corporation engages in culturally biased practices by considering only Earthling women as eligible contestants.

According to X!ooLoichhN9, "On my planet, Quinones [this year's winner] would be considered a cripple too horrific to even be permitted entry into mainstream society! We hold charity auctions to help those suffering from her calibre of disfigurement. Our planet has over 75 billion years of evolution on you Earthlings. I've got seven different pleasure holes, each with its own clitoris! I've been genetically refined over a 400,000 year old tantric breeding program. You want to talk hot? My orgasms last for weeks at a time...and start immediately upon penetration. My measurements are 34-36-34-36-32-70! Not to mention I speak over 536 different languages and have an element named after me!"

Pageant owner Donald Trump was not impressed by the Venusian's arguments: "Everyone knows the gravity on Venus is 91% that of Earth. That means every chick on Venus -- I don't care who they are -- when they come to Earth, they're gonna turn into a real porker..just like that eating machine Machado [Venezuela's Miss Universe 1996]."

Even so, Trump asserts this year's judges had originally contemplated allowing Venusians to compete in the event after noting their superior disease-and-blemish free health and 227 year lifespan, but that "we decided not to allow her to compete based upon the fact that her Versace gown simply did not hang well over her 19 breasts."

Contest judge Tyson Beckford also mentioned one other, more disturbing, reason. "Don't think we didn't seriously consider X!ooLoichhN9, because we did. It's just that hers is a very pliable species, sexually speaking. Technically, we're not even sure she qualifies as a female. If the nitrogen content in her planet's atmosphere increases by five percent or more, whammo, she turns into a man!"