WASHINGTON -- With more and more actors coming out of the closet, conservative lawmakers worry homosexuality may eventually become an accepted lifestyle alternative. As a result, they fear gay teens may become comfortable expressing their sexual identity, which could prove to have "a disastrous influence on their heterosexual parents."

Republican Senator Jesse Helms describes having what he calls "a major epiphany" in the middle of Rosie O'Donnell appearance on last week's PrimeTime Thursday: "I was enjoying a good laugh at Rosie's expense when I suddenly realized, 'Wait a minute. If gay parents can turn their adopted kids gay, what about the other way round?' So I had some studies done and guess what? We found evidence of a .02% child-to-parent gay transmission rate, a process we now call 'Reverse-Gay-Conversion' or R.G.C."

Despite the statistical insignificance of the results, Senator Gramm agrees, "No matter how small the numbers, we simply cannot allow for the possibility of a straight parent going gay against his or her will. It's just too great a risk."

In a recent press conference, Senator Helms described his proposed federal program, aimed specifically at straight parents who learn their adopted child is gay: "We've known for years now that sexual re-orientation counseling just doesn't work. Therefore, we're left with only one option: Child Removal Therapy. Once [the parents] realize their child is gay, that child would be separated from his parents as quickly as possible and placed in a loving home with gay parents who want to adopt children and don't mind that the child is queer."

When asked exactly how a gay child might go about converting his or her straight parent, the senator explained that gay children may attempt to lure their parents into their dark, forbidden world by exposing them to aspects of their lifestyle that may seem appealing, or somehow more exciting to a parent whose own sex-life has become a chore or has simply ceased to exist. "Rave parties, for instance," added Senator Gramm, "Or the music of Bette Midler. Look. If they're Broadway fans, or simply like the idea of engaging in countless commitment-free anonymous sexual encounters at highway rest stops from a member of the same sex who really knows how to give oral...I mean, really knows how to do it right! Maybe they have their tongue pierced or maybe they're a she-male with one of those hot bodies you would swear was a woman, and even if not, who cares? They got an ass tighter than my wife's after three kids! Or maybe they just like women's clothing...the feel of taffeta against the skin. With matching stiletto heels, for example. Or lingerie. Women's lingerie. Crotchless satin panties with white knee-high stockings. Think about it. It's only a matter of time before married life loses its appeal. And along come your son's playmates, all these young, able-bodied men: hot and ready for action! I ask you: what grown man in his right mind can turn that down?"

One question remains: will biological parents of gay children choose to take part in the program? "That's totally up to them," said Senator Gramm, "If a straight parent wants to give up his or her biological offspring to a Federal Gay Adoption Program, I personally won't be one to stand in their way. After all, lots of parents do it already, though most simply choose to pretend the child was never born in the first place or had been recently killed in some horrible accident. But look, I'm not here to criticize. These are all effective methods of R.G.C. avoidance. The main thing is that we do exactly what God wills us and keep the gay people and the straight people as far apart as possible -- that's just part of my job as U.S. Senator."

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