There are three easy rules to follow in order to maximise the cost-effectiveness of your Chinese food, these are:

1) Add broccoli.
2) Add more broccoli.
3) Add fat.

Our program's second installment, Watch Out for Those Little Red Things, covered the following topics:

• Locating the Jewish Neighborhood
• The Many Uses of the Color Red
• The History Behind the Circular Entranceway
• Chinese Food During the Renaissance
• Investigating the 'Hour Later' Syndrome
• Packets or Bottles: The Soy Quandary
• Turning Other People's Wishes Into Cold, Hard Cash. Entering the Tax-free World of Wishing Wells.
• The Giant Fish Tank: Entertainment and Entree Housing
• Confusing the Public for Fun and Profit: "Our Food Contains No M.F.G."
• The Hypnotic Effects of Chi'in Music -- Subliminal Messages Mean Big $$$

Now that you have completed the necessary first steps to opening and managing your very own Chinese Restaurant, only one final task remains: Naming Your Restaurant. And are you in luck. This step is, by

far, the least complex of the three. It requires that you follow but one simple rule: Choose one from column A, one from column B, then add the word "Restaurant."

In its purest, and most profitable form, the Chinese restaurant name ideally possesses two elements: 1) a type of rare or mythological exotic wildlife creature, coupled with 2) a pastoral setting (e.g. Panda Garden).

At this moment you may be thinking, "Could it possibly be that easy? And to you, dear reader, I say, "Yes. Just give it a try, right now!"

But take note: these "magic columns" did not arise spontaneously, but were time tested over thousands of years of Ancient Chinese Dining and have been proven to generate the greatest revenues.

Advisory: The columns, though aesthetically exquisite in their simplicity, are not without flaws. Certain awkward column combinations (e.g. Ho Ho) are to be avoided.

Aside to risk-takers: recent studies have suggested that Chinese Food Profits can be further inflated through the use of a third column placed just ahead of columns A and B.

Warning: this column remains experimental and has yet to undergo rigorous market testing. Neither the writer of this article nor the editor of this magazine assume responsibilty for those who choose to venture into the world of the tres-nominatim. Wave of the future or passing fad? You decide. But be forewarned, the results could be devastating to your pocketbook! Here then, is (for lack of a better name) column 1a.
Use at your own risk!